Shrine - Chapter 86

Chapter 86

"Mei Mei, can you go back, please?" Ruan Ruan said in a soft, gentle voice. "I got An Lu's message. I want to get a good night's sleep tonight. I'll tell you what I want to eat tomorrow."

In truth, she was thinking that Shi Ran might come. She should be coming soon.

Seeing her calm tone, Wu Mei didn't insist. She just placed the grapes on the coffee table, gave her a few instructions, and left with her bag.

Ruan Ruan knelt by the coffee table, organizing Shi Ran's magazines. A few had just arrived. She opened them one by one, wiping away the residual dust from the printing process, smoothing the pages over and over with her hand.

A tear dripped onto Shi Ran's face, making her appear even more crystalline, and also more indifferent.

Ruan Ruan quickly wiped it away. A second later, and it would have soaked in.

Fortunately, she still had control over her expression. She sniffled hard, her eyes drying up. There was no second tear.

She would never cry over a lost opportunity, especially not when it was due to her own lack of skill. But she was truly hurting. Shi Ran didn't even have to vote in her favor; just the thought of her seriously discussing and considering it, of her treating Ruan Ruan as an option—Ruan Ruan didn't dare to dwell on it.

It turned out that being chosen with conviction was a true luxury. To covet it, even for a moment, could cost you half your life.

There was something else she dared not think about. She rarely made requests of Shi Ran, but she had asked her to visit the set twice. Shi Ran didn't have time. Now she did, and she had rushed to the set at the first opportunity, without even telling her.

The skin around her fingernails began to itch, as if the dampness of the rainy season had seeped into her bones, making her want to scratch everywhere.

As she was scratching her elbow, she heard footsteps. Then the door opened, and Shi Ran walked in. It was two in the morning.

It had been a long time. She felt that she and Shi Ran had grown distant again.

She stood in the faint lamplight like an unapproachable goddess, wearing a black skirt suit that Ruan Ruan liked. The long sleeves were slightly lantern-shaped, her waist was well-defined, and a line of buttons on the side ran from her right side all the way up to the high collar enveloping her neck. It was a very ascetic look; she had turned her figure into a black velvet glove that invited the imagination. Her skin, in contrast, seemed even paler, like moonlight wrapped around crushed white plum powder.

From a distance, she looked aloof and noble. One could imagine she wore no fragrance, disdaining to bestow it upon her surroundings.

Ruan Ruan, in her loungewear, looked up at her, like the obscure version of herself from the past, sitting under the sky and watching her get out of the car. Back then, she had always felt Shi Ran's presence was vast and mighty. Only now did she realize that what was vast and mighty was her own desire to make a name for herself.

"Not even a hello?" Shi Ran hadn't even brought any luggage.

"You're done with your meeting," Ruan Ruan said, her voice hoarse. She lowered her head and gathered the magazines.

"Mhm."

Shi Ran changed her shoes and walked in, looking around Ruan Ruan's apartment. It was well-kept. The soy milk maker from that morning was still on the dining table. Since they video-chatted every day, Shi Ran was familiar with Ruan Ruan's condition; she was more focused on examining her living environment.

"Where's Xiao Hei?" Shi Ran stood by the dining table, leaning her lower back against it lightly.

"Probably asleep," Ruan Ruan replied. "Do you… want to take a shower?"

"Is there nothing else you want to ask me?" Shi Ran tilted her head slightly, a frown creasing her brow.

The silence was deafening, earth-shattering in her ears.

Ruan Ruan moistened her dry lips, no longer wanting to beat around the bush. "I heard you came back to replace me."

She picked at a hangnail. Normally, she wouldn't. No matter how uncomfortable, she would find a nail clipper, worried about tearing the skin and affecting her makeup and styling. Now, she peeled it back without a thought for the consequences, a suppressed madness in her heart. For a second, she wondered if she could peel away all the dead skin, like peeling a banana, so the flesh underneath could breathe—a raw, bloody breath.

"And what are your thoughts?" Shi Ran sighed almost inaudibly and rubbed her eyes.

She was exhausted, too. She hadn't slept in two nights.

"I think," Ruan Ruan said, lowering her head and clutching the magazines to her chest, "it would be good to replace me."

As the words left her mouth, she coughed twice and scratched her face randomly.

She tried to make herself as calm as she used to be, back when she would nestle beside Shi Ran, analyzing the pros and cons, saying they should prioritize their careers and put their relationship on the back burner for a while. Back then, she had seen admiration in Shi Ran's eyes, a look of being drawn in.

Ruan Ruan knew all too well what Shi Ran liked about her, which meant she also knew best what Shi Ran disliked.

She cleared her throat again and forced a smile. "Mhm, actually, suddenly being the female lead has put a lot of pressure on me. I think I still need more experience. It's really not good to continue like this. If I'm not replaced, I'll feel bad too."

Her voice was thin and brittle, as if it would shatter in her mouth after a few words.

Shi Ran listened in silence as she talked about wanting to quit, about how she couldn't adapt to the flying pages, how she couldn't adjust to the scheduling, even saying she couldn't get up in the morning and couldn't sleep at night.

The more Ruan Ruan spoke, the more miserable and timid she became. She desperately wanted to go back to before, to the days of running from audition to audition, of being a forgotten little actress, of blending in with the extras. Her status on set had been slightly higher then, so everyone was pleasant to her. She would bring fruit for others, treat them to afternoon tea, and her colleagues would all praise her for being so nice and down-to-earth.

They would sit on the stairs and chat, watch others play cards, swat mosquitoes, and film vlogs.

No one watched what they filmed, so her manager didn't even need to review it beforehand. It wasn't like now, where a single promotional photo had to be approved by her management team two or three times. Sometimes the production team would ask her, "We want to post this promo, is that okay?" Ruan Ruan would subconsciously nod and say yes, only to remember a few seconds later, "Could you send it to my manager? She probably needs to take a look."

She didn't know if people privately thought she was putting on airs without the status to back it up.

In short, it was so tiring.

Ruan Ruan stared at a spot near the dining table, feeling as if a shrine should be there. She and Wu Mei would playfully shove each other out of bed to go burn incense, devoutly, yet also casually.

Struggling in this industry, seeing things as if through a fog, they had never truly considered what it was they were praying for, or whether it was suitable for them.

"Ruan Ruan." Just when Ruan Ruan thought Shi Ran wouldn't speak, she heard a soft whisper.

It sounded like it came from a video call, carrying the grainy texture of old static.

"I voted in favor." Shi Ran crossed her arms, glancing at the floor, then out the window, then back at the floor.

She looked very thin when she crossed her arms, more fragile than usual.

Ruan Ruan's lips moved. She sucked in the inside of her lower lip, then blinked at her, losing control in an instant. She wanted to ask, if Shi Ran really agreed to replace her, then what had their journey together meant? Their connection was built on Shrine. How could she give it to someone else?

Her eyes ached from blinking. The moment she relaxed her mouth, a sour breath escaped, and her nose grew damp, damming up her emotions first.

She turned her face away, no longer looking at Shi Ran, and scratched her temple. Her hand, clutching the magazine cover, was slick with sweat.

"If I'm not mistaken, your expression just now seemed to blame me a little," Shi Ran said, her arms tightening, though her words were very relaxed.

"No." Ruan Ruan shook her head, hearing liquid sloshing in her head, in her eyes.

Shi Ran didn't argue with her. She pressed her lips together and took a deep breath, so deep that the hollows of her collarbones sank beneath her collar. Then she softly asked something else. "Have you… ever truly treated me as your girlfriend?"

They talked every day, yet Ruan Ruan told her nothing. When Shi Ran pressed for details, she would be met with evasion. She knew perfectly well that Shi Ran disliked initiating conversations, and she also knew that Shi Ran had said she didn't want to find out she was crying from the trending topics again.

Not only did she not tell her, but she also never planned to ask her about anything. If Ruan Ruan thought a girlfriend was just someone to ask what she ate and drank, when she slept, and to kiss, hug, and have sex with when they met, then why did it have to be Shi Ran? And why did Shi Ran have to be with Ruan Ruan?

Ruan Ruan might not have realized it, but she hadn't searched for Shi Ran's name in a long time. If she had, she would have discovered that Shi Ran was going through something similar. Perhaps she would have wanted to ask Shi Ran how she handled it back then. If she didn't want to bring it up, Shi Ran would respect that. Ever since Ruan Ruan had expressed her dislike for Shi Ran interfering with her work, Shi Ran had been waiting for her to bring it up herself.

Then maybe she would have seen something else. Shi Ran, who rarely publicized her preferences, had said in an interview that she liked little breads and kittens. She still maintained that she didn't accept gifts from fans, but if there were cute products, perhaps they could show them to her when they met.

After that, Shi Ran was photographed many times with items related to little breads and kittens, along with a rare smile.

She had really hoped Ruan Ruan would see it, even just one picture.

They were both very busy. She couldn't always be preparing surprises. But if Ruan Ruan truly held her in her heart, this clever little cat officer would surely have been delighted at the first opportunity.

"I'm filming in Xindu. Do you know which project it is?" Shi Ran raised her eyes slightly to look at Ruan Ruan.

Three, two, one. Right, she didn't know.

Shi Ran looked down at her own hand, ignoring Ruan Ruan's helpless expression. Before boarding the plane, this hand had signed an autograph for a staff member in the lounge. The woman said she really liked Shi Ran, and she especially liked her "Little Radish." Shi Ran had been charmed by the term. As she signed, she asked which Little Radish. The woman said, Ruan Ruan.

At that moment, Shi Ran's heart had skipped a beat. When she finished signing, a smile played on her lips as she handed back the pen, saying nothing.

She had thought that in a few hours, when they met, she would tell Ruan Ruan about it—that someone liked her, that a real person was genuinely appreciating her.

Shi Ran was actually not very good at encouraging people, because everyone had their own path to walk. She was willing to offer advice purely because the other person was Ruan Ruan, her girlfriend.

It might sound cruel to say, but this wasn't the first day Shi Ran had felt that Ruan Ruan's definition of a girlfriend was unclear.

"Ruan Ruan," Shi Ran said with great restraint, "I want to ask, if one day I treated you very badly, didn't care about you, didn't comfort you, wasn't concerned about you. Like tonight, if I didn't come to you first, but instead went to discuss replacing you, would you want to leave me?"

With every sentence she spoke, Ruan Ruan's face grew a shade paler. Her usually moist lips were now wrinkled, as if they had been deprived of water for a long time.

Ruan Ruan frowned, her eyes darting about helplessly. For a second, her delicate, watery eyes flickered with life as she thought.

"If it were really like that, you would probably think about not being with me anymore," Shi Ran said.

Ruan Ruan had always been good at considering the distance in all kinds of relationships.

"You can leave the me that makes you uncomfortable, and you can leave the Shrine that you can't adapt to, and go back to your old life, but…"

Shi Ran paused, touching the buttons on her shoulder. After about ten seconds, she changed her tone and asked her something else.

"You deciding to be in a relationship with me, and your adoptive parents deciding to adopt you—which promise do you think is more solemn?"

Hearing her mention her adoptive parents, Ruan Ruan instinctively looked up and swallowed.

Shi Ran didn't wait for her answer, simply stating calmly, "We made a decision to build a long-term relationship based on understanding. Your adoptive parents made a decision to build a temporary relationship based on ulterior motives."

"My expectation for the former is a lifetime. Their expectation for the latter was probably until they had a son."

"My offer to you is clearly much longer than theirs, and my sincerity is much greater."

"But the feeling you're giving me now is… they are something you can't escape, while I am something that can be ended."

A lifetime… Ruan Ruan thought dazedly about those two words. She looked at Shi Ran, a belated panic setting in. She hadn't felt it in the past few days, but now her heart was being battered relentlessly, the beating growing more and more painful.

And Shi Ran, Shi Ran lowered her long eyelashes, the shadow beneath her eyes like a mesh veil that matched her dress. After a moment, she stared at the shadow on the floor and spoke.

"You don't really know what kind of person you are, and you don't know what kind of person I am. What you know even less is what kind of person the one I like is."

This sentence was spoken in a breathy voice. There was another sentence, one that Shi Ran kept hidden in her heart.

She had come to Shucheng alone to officially discuss the fate of her own girlfriend, listening as others listed, one by one, things she should have known but didn't. Had Ruan Ruan ever considered what she went through in that process, or whether she would be upset?

Probably not. Even after she had arrived home, Ruan Ruan was still trying to hide things.

Shi Ran stood up from the table, exhausted. "I'll sleep here tonight. I'm flying to Beicheng tomorrow."

She lowered her head, walked away, and opened the door to the guest bedroom.

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