ISBH - Chapter 30
Chapter 30: Probing
Mo Sheng had read classics and highly targeted guides for composition, but she had never read anything purely for fun.
Mindful of class, Mo Sheng glanced at the website page and then handed the mobile phone back to Li Meng.
Yet for the first time, the term "GL" gained meaning in Mo Sheng's mind.
After school, Mo Sheng paused in her steps and walked into the internet cafe as if pulled by fate.
The internet cafe managers by the school already knew this pretty schoolgirl. She came to the internet cafe once or twice almost every week. Unlike other students, she seemed to be writing something. Only later did the internet cafe managers learn she ranked near the top of the whole school.
"The usual spot."
The internet cafe managers knew Mo Sheng's habits. The moment they saw her come in, they set aside the most secluded private booth for her.
Mo Sheng quietly pressed her lips together.
Apart from submitting manuscripts, this was the first time Mo Sheng had come to the internet cafe for anything else.
Mo Sheng registered an account on the website, topped it up with phone credit, then frowned as she picked a book titled "Sister, Love Me One More Time" from the vast sea of stories and started to read.
Short on time, Mo Sheng could only skim. She gathered it was a campus romance about lovers reuniting after years apart.
Years of study habits made her grasp the key points by instinct, so she picked the chapter with the most comments in the comment section and read it closely.
"She kissed her lips softly. The girl's lips were soft as petals. Further down..."
With a bang, something burst open in her mind. Mo Sheng drew a deep breath, closed the page, leaned back in the chair and shut her eyes.
Mo Sheng did not know how to describe what she felt in that moment...
She had expected the book to be open, but she hadn't expected it to be this open!
She should have known! The chapter with the most comments was bound to hold certain scenes...
So apart from kissing, two women could do that together...
Mo Sheng did not want to look back, yet those words kept flashing through her mind...
Mo Sheng felt her whole face burn. A long time passed before the heat faded.
This time Mo Sheng danced in the dance studio for a long while. Afterward she lingered outside her home for a long time. Only with effort did she gather the courage to go inside. The moment she entered, she showered and went to sleep without saying a word to Han Tian...
Worry stirred in Han Tian's heart.
Still, the mood between them had been odd lately, and Mo Sheng was in puberty, an age when children always had all sorts of strange thoughts. Since she had resolved not to grow too close to Mo Sheng, Han Tian did not dare show too much concern. The next day she followed Mo Sheng to school on the excuse of submitting manuscripts.
"Mo Sheng, let me tell you. I went back last night and read a..." Mo Sheng had just reached the classroom when Li Meng leaned over to tell her about a new Romance she had been reading.
Mo Sheng noticed Han Tian nearby seemed very interested and had glanced this way several times, and guilt stirred in her for no reason.
Mo Sheng sat with her back straight, yet her face wore a gentle smile. She gave Li Meng a calm look. "I don't read those."
"Is that so." Li Meng sighed in defeat. "I thought I'd already got you hooked yesterday..."
"You good students are so disciplined. You can resist that kind of temptation." Li Meng frowned and propped her chin on her hand in worry. "Unlike me. My sister scolds me every day..."
"By the way, the one I read is really good. You look just like the heroine in it..."
Listening to Li Meng, Han Tian could not help smiling. What a marvelous fate! A few years later, this story would be adapted into a television series, and Mo Sang would happen to play the heroine.
...
Watching the smile on Han Tian's lips, Mo Sheng felt her heartbeat quicken on its own. She could only hide it by drinking some water and chatting idly with Li Meng.
Seeing the girls share their private thoughts, Han Tian stopped paying attention. She found an empty desk in the classroom, lay down and fell asleep.
After school Mo Sheng took Han Tian to the internet cafe again.
Thinking of what she had to do, Han Tian felt nervous at heart. Mo Sheng seemed preoccupied too and did not notice Han Tian. She lay nearby and quietly did her homework.
Han Tian breathed a quiet sigh of relief. She secretly created a new email account, sorted the teaching materials she had written lately into a file and saved it in the drafts folder, then went through her usual routine of editing her own work for submission...
Han Tian had already made her plan.
If she managed to drift away from Mo Sheng and change the past, Mo Sheng would not enter the entertainment industry to become the person her "ex-girlfriend" liked, and when she returned to the future, Mo Sang would very likely be gone.
By then Mo Sheng would likely have fulfilled her wish and become a rising star in finance. Everyone would be well and living their own lives. Han Tian felt she would very likely never appear before Mo Sheng again, and naturally would never come asking Mo Sheng for materials.
Han Tian ached for the present Mo Sheng, yet she could not love her. Different fates made different lives. Even Mo Sheng herself could not replace Mo Sang.
She loved the Mo Sang who had grown up to be stunning and who bloomed with charm onstage, yet Han Tian could not bear to let Mo Sheng turn into Mo Sang again...
Knowing she would leave in the future, Han Tian now felt an urgent need to earn money. She could not bear to let Mo Sheng suffer again, so she had to earn enough for university tuition and living costs.
...
Because Han Tian came along, Mo Sheng skipped dancing that day and obediently took Han Tian home after they left the internet cafe.
Han Tian floated in the air and watched Mo Sheng's back from afar.
Only then did Han Tian realize Mo Sheng had grown taller than her without notice.
Though she wore an old style school uniform, it could not hide her graceful and slender figure.
The ponytail behind her swayed as she walked, blurring for a moment with the role Mo Sang played in a campus drama.
But the two were different.
She would cut the ties between them and let Mo Sheng grow up happy, never turning into the despairing and suffering Mo Sang.
Han Tian knew well that what she lived through now was very likely what had already happened in the past, and that she might change nothing. Still, because it concerned Mo Sang, Han Tian lost her composure.
Even if there was only a one in ten thousand chance, Han Tian wanted to change the past!
Luckily, everything seemed to be moving in the direction Han Tian hoped.
She would never let Mo Sheng fall to the point of madness for love again.
After returning home, Mo Sheng went out for her usual run.
She ran several laps and only went back to her room when she was nearly exhausted.
In the shower, Mo Sheng listened to the rush of falling water and looked at her blurred self in the steamy mirror, and the scene she had read that day came to mind for no reason...
It was too shameful!
Mo Sheng covered her face. She felt as if she might go mad...
Mo Sheng bit her lower lip as she stepped out of the bathroom and turned the stuffiness in her heart into fuel for homework, powering through several sets of problems.
By the time she finished, it was very late.
Usually Sister came to urge her to sleep early, yet today Sister looked a little strange.
Mo Sheng stole a glance at Han Tian. Han Tian's gaze stayed fixed on the screen with that nostalgic and longing look Mo Sheng had seen before.
The television was showing a talent show contest.
Local talent show contests had just taken off, and this program was riding high.
Mo Sheng had heard many at school talking about the program. Many students even canvassed votes for their favorite contestants and urged everyone to vote by text message.
Han Tian knew the contest ran for three seasons in all.
The top three of this season later made names for themselves in the entertainment industry, but the most famous was the last season.
At eighteen, Mo Sang burst onto the scene in the final season and slowly opened an era of her own in the entertainment industry.
Yet she would never see such a Mo Sang again.
...
Mo Sheng walked over and glanced at the television. Looking at the smiling contestants with full figures, she bit her lower lip.
So Sister liked this type?
If only she could grow up faster! Her figure would be no worse than theirs.
"Sister, I need to sleep. Could you turn down the volume of the television..."
Mo Sheng bent down and looked straight at Han Tian where she sat on the sofa. With the strange irritation rising in her, Mo Sheng held her gaze without flinching, and a quiet pressure crept into her eyes.
Such a Mo Sheng looked far too much like Mo Sang!
Han Tian snapped out of her memories. Her hands clenched on their own, and she did not dare meet Mo Sheng's eyes as she fumbled for the remote control and lowered the volume.
"Good night, Sister."
Why was she so flustered? Was she avoiding her only because she thought she had grown up?
Mo Sheng clenched her fists. Pain and guilt buried deep in her heart gathered in that instant into a restless volcano. Mo Sheng nearly cast all restraint aside to demand an answer...
Mo Sheng went back to bed.
She tossed for a long time before falling asleep.
The long absent dream swept over her again. This time it was not a simple kiss. Every word of the chapter she had read turned into images in the dream, and in the dream she did everything she had wanted to do to Han Tian...
And the Han Tian in the dream was not polite and distant as in real life. She clung to her with charm and need, her pretty eyes filled only with her, with no trace of anyone else...
Mo Sheng gave herself over to the dream.
When she woke, dawn had not yet come. The March air still held a chill, yet Mo Sheng was drenched in sweat. She drew a deep breath and opened her eyes, then stood as if driven by fate and walked to Han Tian.
Han Tian lay with her head on scattered papers, asleep at the desk.
Sleeping Sister looked gentle and obedient, without any guard. Unlike her, who kept a trace of wariness even in sleep...
She had once been a stray dog roaming the streets. Sister had made her human.
Mo Sheng let her gaze travel from the crown of Han Tian's black hair downward, lingering over lashes trembling faintly in sleep, a straight nose, and softly pouting lips...
In that instant, Mo Sheng felt her mind go blank.
She clenched her fists and held her breath as she leaned quietly toward Han Tian...
Lips touched and parted in a breath.
Mo Sheng felt her heart nearly leap from her chest in that instant. She wanted to flee, yet in that moment she could not move...
She could not name what she felt. Pain and torment filled her. On one hand she felt base and shameless. Sister had given her such a good life, yet she coveted Sister in secret. On the other hand she could not deny the sweetness rising from her heart, like the first taste of candy as a child, fearful and glad...
After some time, Han Tian frowned faintly, and Mo Sheng heard a soft murmur.
In it Mo Sheng clearly heard the word "Cub".
It struck like thunder bursting overhead.
Mo Sheng bit her lower lip and held back the tears welling in her eyes as she ran back to bed.
Her buoyant mood seemed to plunge into ice. Mo Sheng had thought she could no longer feel grief after realizing her father had died, yet only now did she feel her heart ache as if pricked by needles.
Mo Sheng could no longer hide from herself. She had fallen for Sister!
She could not tell when it had started. By the time she realized, it had already become what it was now...
Yet Mo Sheng knew one thing with certainty. Sister had someone she loved. That person had known Sister many years before her and shone so brightly in Sister's heart that Sister could not forget her even in dreams.
Mo Sheng knew this "Cub" did not mean herself. It very likely meant someone Sister had once loved.
Sister had stayed by her side for almost three years. Had she still not forgotten that person?
Was that person truly so dazzling?
Could she ever take that person's place?
...
For the first time, Mo Sheng doubted herself.
Since Sister had come to her side, Mo Sheng knew she had changed beyond recognition. Nearly everyone praised her beauty and brilliance, yet she had never seen such feeling in Han Tian's eyes. Even now, she still fell short of that person...
She could not think further!
Mo Sheng told herself that going on like this would only drag her deeper.
Yet Mo Sheng could not control her thoughts at all. A terrible thought even rose in her mind. She wanted to keep Sister bound by her side and stop trying to turn Sister human, so that Sister would hold only her in eyes and heart...
...
Mo Sheng could not sleep at all after that. She barely lasted until dawn, skipped even breakfast and slipped quietly out to school.
It felt as if a wild beast raged inside her, and last night she had nearly let that beast out!
Mo Sheng did not dare stay with Han Tian. She feared she would lose control and do something beyond repair.
Mo Sheng ran laps around the school track until her tangled mood calmed, then went back to her classroom.
A woman sat in Mo Sheng's seat. She wore a neatly tailored business suit and bent to speak with Li Meng.
Li Meng, usually fierce, looked like an obedient little quail before this woman. She had tucked away all her claws and did nothing but nod.
Seeing Mo Sheng arrive, Li Meng stood as if freed from a burden and introduced them. "Mo Sheng, you're here! Let me introduce you. This is my sister Li Ai..."
"Sister, this is the super pretty deskmate Mo Sheng I told you about..."
Li Ai turned to look at Mo Sheng. Her polite yet distant gaze sharpened in an instant. She looked Mo Sheng up and down, her eyes growing brighter.
"Hello, Mo Sheng." Li Ai drew a deep breath and forced a smile. "Forgive me for asking, but are you interested in making your debut? I'm a manager with an entertainment company..."
Before Mo Sheng could answer, Li Meng burst out laughing. "Sister, look at you. Mo Sheng ranks among the top students in the whole school. She can find any job in the future. Why wade into murky water to fight for a place in the entertainment industry..."
"I'm talking with your classmate. Who asked you to chime in." Li Ai tapped Li Meng lightly. Though it looked like a scolding, she smiled. "If you were like Mo Sheng, I'd laugh in my sleep..."
She did not bring up Mo Sheng's debut again.
"Sister, look at you. You never save me face in front of my classmates..." Li Meng tugged Li Ai's arm shyly and wheedled. "I don't care. You have to buy me that dress I showed you this morning to make it up to me..."
"Dreaming in broad daylight!"
Li Ai poked Li Meng's forehead in exasperation.
Watching the sisters together, the fog hanging in Mo Sheng's mind suddenly split open!
Mo Sheng felt her mind clearer than ever before.
So normal sisters acted spoiled with each other too...
Then why had Sister said she was grown and started to drift away?
...
Was it her fault or Sister's? Back then she had not yet seen her own heart, so Sister surely could not have sensed anything strange...
Then the trouble could only lie with Sister!
Sister had something weighing on her, so she had grown distant!
But what was it?
...
She only had to test it to know...
"You'll be in class soon, so I'll get going." Seeing that she sat in Mo Sheng's seat and left Mo Sheng standing aside, Li Ai patted Li Meng's head and gave the seat back. "Sorry to have taken your time."
"You're too kind, Sister Li Ai." As if pushed by fate, Mo Sheng stopped Li Ai. "Sister Li Ai, I'm a little interested in the debut you mentioned. Could you give me your card..."
...
Han Tian knew nothing of what happened at school.
When she woke, it was already late. Mo Sheng had left for school. Looking at the empty room, Han Tian felt a moment of blankness.
Mo Sheng was thoughtful. Because Han Tian woke in a hollow state unable to touch anything, Mo Sheng always turned on the television and set it to Han Tian's favorite channel before leaving for class.
Han Tian had no mind to watch television now. Last night she had dreamed of Mo Sang again.
It was her first time at a Mo Sang concert. Even now Han Tian remembered the excitement she had felt then.
Yet now she was destroying that radiant Mo Sang with her own hands...
Han Tian did not regret it. She only felt a little sad.
After some time, the door sounded. Mo Sheng had returned.
"You're back!" Han Tian quickly turned her gaze to the television and greeted Mo Sheng with her usual politeness.
Mo Sheng hung her head, cheeks faintly flushed. She took out test papers and did her homework, then suddenly lowered her head and laughed softly.
Han Tian had never seen Mo Sheng look so shy!
In her memory, in the television series Mo Sang later filmed, Mo Sang played a campus beauty who wore just such an expression after the campus heartthrob she secretly admired confessed to her.
Han Tian did not know what she felt. Before she realized, she had already asked aloud. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing?" Mo Sheng looked flustered. She glanced carefully at Han Tian, then turned back to her homework.
Soon after, Han Tian noticed Mo Sheng secretly watching her.
Han Tian turned to look, and sure enough Mo Sheng's gaze darted away again...
Han Tian had never seen Mo Sheng act this way.
Perhaps her distance lately had made Mo Sheng wary, so even with worries she no longer confided...
She was the little girl she had raised herself...
For a moment, Han Tian's heart ached with sourness.
At dinner, watching Mo Sheng poke listlessly at the rice in her bowl, Han Tian could not hold back and sat opposite her.
"Mo Sheng, I'm your family and your friend. Although I want you to be independent, that doesn't mean you can't lean on me." Han Tian looked earnestly at Mo Sheng with gathered courage. "You can tell me about any trouble or doubt. I'll find a way to help you solve it..."
"Is that really true?" A shadow crossed Mo Sheng's eyes, yet her face showed only unease as she looked at Han Tian. "Sister seems to like me a little less lately, so I didn't dare trouble Sister..."
So this was how Mo Sheng had seen her lately?
"I will never stop liking you." Han Tian's heart clenched. She wanted to smile, yet found she could not smile at all in this moment, and could only repeat her excuse. "Sister only feels Mo Sheng has grown up and needs to become independent..."
In truth, I am afraid of liking you too much.
"Sister is the best!" Pleased by these words, Mo Sheng smiled and leaned in to hug Han Tian's arm.
Han Tian pressed her lips together and instinctively wanted to pull away, but Mo Sheng had already lowered her head and said shyly. "Sister, I think I like someone..."
Han Tian froze, stunned where she sat.
After a long moment, Han Tian found her voice. "Really? Is it a boy or a girl..."
"What's wrong, Sister?" Mo Sheng's lashes trembled, yet her face showed a puzzled smile. "Why would Sister think it's a girl? It's definitely a boy!"
As she spoke, Mo Sheng buried her face in Han Tian's arm and mumbled. "But I don't know if I really like him."
"Sister, have you ever liked someone? What does it feel like to like someone?"
Han Tian no longer knew what expression to wear.
This was exactly what she had hoped would happen, yet now that it stood before her, why did she feel like crying?
Han Tian lowered her head and forced a smile. "It's actually easy to tell when you like someone. You want to get close when you see that person. Your heart beats faster. You feel no one compares to that person, and that person shines like a star..."
"Sister, do you think that person truly likes me?"
"Of course. Mo Sheng is so lovable. No one could dislike you."
"Then I must like that person." Mo Sheng lifted her head and looked seriously at Han Tian. "Sister, I've started dating someone now. Will you blame me?"
"How could I blame you." Han Tian held Mo Sheng's hand in return and tried to hold back the ache in her heart. "But you must let Sister meet that boy. Sister is afraid you'll be fooled."
"No." Mo Sheng looked shy yet wistful, her smile flawless. "We promised to put study first and work hard for now. We'll talk about other things after we turn eighteen..."
"That's good! He sounds like a reliable boy." Han Tian curved her lips and patted Mo Sheng's head. "Mo Sheng has good taste. I feel relieved..."
Mo Sheng lowered her head as if shy and buried her face in Han Tian's arm again.
Almost the instant she lowered her head, Mo Sheng's smile vanished.
She usually loved Sister's smile, yet for the first time she did not want to look at Sister...
She had tested it and knew!
The reason Sister had kept her distance was to avoid suspicion!
That was why Sister looked so happy upon hearing she liked someone...
And Sister's "star" was indeed a woman. That was why Sister had instinctively asked, "Is it a boy or a girl..."
But what good did knowing Sister's orientation do?
Before she had even spoken, Sister had already begun to push her away...
Grievance, unwillingness, anger...
Surging feelings spread through her chest like wildfire. Mo Sheng used all her strength to keep from betraying herself.
...
After Mo Sheng spoke of liking a boy, Han Tian let go of some of her worries and before she knew it began treating Mo Sheng as warmly as before.
And Mo Sheng, perhaps still shy, went to bed early after finishing homework.
Han Tian wrote for a while, feeling restless, and at last could not go on. Drawn on her own, she walked to the bed and looked at Mo Sheng's sleeping face...
After a long while, Han Tian quietly tucked the blanket around Mo Sheng and returned to the desk.
Mo Sheng had someone she liked. She looked truly happy. Such a Mo Sheng seemed a little farther from the future Mo Sang...
Han Tian thought of the Mo Sang she had dreamed of two nights before.
That dazzling Mo Sang would now exist only in her memory, wouldn't she?
As if guided by fate, Han Tian picked up a pen and drew the Mo Sang of her memory.
Han Tian had little talent for drawing. The drawing held only a hazy outline, bearing only a faint likeness to Mo Sheng, yet every hidden feeling she held for Mo Sang went stroke by stroke into the drawing...
The girl holding a guitar and singing softly onstage shone like a star.
"my star."
At last Han Tian quietly signed these two words at the lower right corner of the drawing...
Night deepened little by little. Han Tian did not know when she fell asleep.
Not long after Han Tian fell asleep, Mo Sheng, whom she had thought long asleep, sat up in bed and walked to her with a blank face.
Mo Sheng saw Han Tian's drawing at a glance.
So this was why Sister wanted to avoid suspicion!
Mo Sheng bit her lower lip, and tears fell on their own.
Because she looked a little like Sister's star, Sister feared her own heart would waver, so Sister had grown distant...
What a cruel yet devoted Sister!
...
But why should she play along?
She loved her so much!
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